Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I'm Ready

It's been nearly a week, oh my!, and I have yet to blog about my experiences of labor and new motherhood. Earlier I had so many words and no place to start, and a little later I had so many tears and no way to channel them....but now, I'm ready. So here goes, my journey of motherhood, week 1.

All during pregnancy I had the fear of being "that mom." I hated to call the doctor because I didn't want to harp on them constantly with silly questions. So, in some ways I ignored my instincts, telling myself that I was being silly and that all this was normal, pregnant behavior. Now looking back I wish I'd been more assertive about what I was feeling because, in all honesty, I had the premonition that something was going to happen, and by golly, it did.

Halloween weekend I finished up Christmas shopping, I made soup and froze it, I did piles of Reese's laundry in an effort to keep up with things...can you say nesting? I didn't sleep all week, I was in pain, I was waddling and to be honest I felt 40 weeks not 34, I should've spoken up. I went to the doctor on Thursday and tried to express without sounding hokey, that I was in fact miserable and please understand that all this doesn't feel "right."

I went to the store and people stared at me, I even got a "whoa" from a little boy. I got home and lost my mucus plug. Hmmmm, my body was crying out for me to listen. I called the doc and he gave me his condescending, "well, lots of people think they've lost it." I KNOW my body, I am a smart girl, I lost the damn mucus plug and I was only 34 weeks, listen to me damn it! But I went about my night thinking, "I am not making it to the shower this weekend, something is not right."

We packed our bag for the weekend and laid on the bed to have some snuggle time, I scratched Dustin's back and felt a gigantic kick. I even commented on it right before the flood started. Little did I know that what I really felt was the bag bursting. Water went everywhere, immediately I was soaked and so was the floor, a pair of pants and a couple towels. I changed clothes and laughed with Dustin about how unprepared the planners were. We didn't even pack a bag, who knew what we were going to need? The baby was premature and wasn't going to fit in anything anyway, so why bother right now while I was gushing anyway?

Off we went, scared, excited and clueless. We ran some tests and found out she was breech, my worst nightmare. Why oh why does God do this? Premature and breech, 2 of my biggest concerns were happening and happening so fast that I didn't have time to process it. Immediately my room filled with people, lab techs, nurses doctors, everyone from everywhere and before I knew it Dustin was dressed and we were wheeling down to surgery. And I was terrified.

For those of you who know me, you know Dustin is my rock. He is my calm in a storm and I needed him right then, and do you know they make the dads stay in a room alone while the mom gets an epidural. I didn't and the whole time I was shaking and crying and so scared because I couldn't find him. It was horrifying! Thank goodness for Charlotte, our nurse, she was unbelieveable.

Our doctor was okay, you know the one from earlier who disagreed on the mucus plug, but when he asked me if my tears were tears of joy I would've just as soon slapped him than look at him, did he not realize how scared I was? But the surgery went well, Dustin and I both got pretty queasy but we made it. Reese did well too and didn't need oxygen right away so off she went to the NICU while I recovered in another room.

It was all so scary that I can't even put it all in words. One of my worst nightmares had come true, we lived and did just fine but I promise I will never ignore my body like that again. I will never let the matter of feeling silly come before what I think is best for my baby. God doesn't give us anything we can't handle, I know this, but there were a lot of curve balls at once and I don't want to do that again!

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I just have to say, the fear of being a "silly pregnant woman" and not insisting on the doctors checking us out seems to be a common theme, especially of preemie moms. I didn't insist, even though I knew something was different and wasn't right. I'm so glad, though, that in both of our cases, they turned out ok. But we know our bodies. We have to remember that...